I realised earlier that it's been a while since I made an entry into my journal. It's mainly down to just being busy and getting back on my feet with the detox, treatment and landing these new little jobs. Anyhow, I suppose I havn't felt the need to since the support group make me write a separate diary as part of the treatment.
I very much want those to be my only memories of this most awkward period which, finally is almost at an end now. I know it's good for me, but something happened today that made me want to remember this moment and put my thoughts down and this issue is not really about me.
Earlier I was in the sons room and I came across something quite bizarre. It was numerous 'writings' from him and the only way I can describe them are diary-anecdotes but badly written. I know what a blog is and it's not even that. I can't tell who he's talking to. Basically, beyond what he's done during the day, each is a load of crap, but moreover gave me an insight into the kind of thoughts my son actually has. I'm sorry to say, he makes me feel so disappointed at times and I wish (sometimes) he could be like his sister.
He calls this 'Eine Habe My Diary' which is ridiculous. That's not even accurate Dutch! He's never even been to Germany (as far as I know) and 'My Diary', that sounds like it's from a teenage girl! I wonder if other people actually know he writes these things? The way he describes his meals is so flamboyant. He must think he's writing for Mills and Boon or something! Or maybe he has a food fetish? I've seen worse...something he maybe gets from his father. If only he didn't do things like this, maybe he would be able to make friends easier or be attractive to girls - maybe.
I'm talked about in these entries as 'the writer'. Obviously this is true but that is the point of my journal somewhat - I don't write professionally all the time.
When reading about his meals, it reminds me of his little tantrums about not having a 'posh' meal for tea. I know I've made some nice things when I've been in the mood to take my mind off work, but his father and I just eat any old thing which we find, we're not fussed and especially lately since we don't have much money. I don't know where this came from.
Reading further, he presents himself as some sort of connoisseur on many things. This might sound horrible but I imagine he must be really irritating sometimes. He tells me he has many friends at university and I'd like to believe that's true, but if what he's writing is true he must really annoy them at times and none of his friends have ever come to the house or anything. His father and I thought it was great for him to go to uni and encouraged it instead of going to that crappy JMC. We wanted him to interface, maybe even socialise with people his age and God forbid actually have sex.
Another thing of late; I'm beginning to get worried about all these magazines with almost naked men in. They are body building magazines (I think) with really ugly huge men on the covers. I know he has his Karate class or whatever, but if he's truly reading them for guidance he would stop eating crap like cakes if he ever wants to look like that. I mean has he ever looked at his own figure?
He's so closed off, but I would like him to know it's ok to be gay. We are a modern working-class family and would still love him; me and his father and I wouldn't mind.
Him expressing things is a good thing. I know it's therapeutic from my time with the support group. Maybe when he grows up just a little bit he'll realise how much of a dickhead he was when he was younger!
Honestly, I don't mean to be cruel but I don't know much about him! Some of this could be my own fault. Maybe my temporary weaknesses has had some lasting effect on him or pushed him over when combined with the stress he must be under with his final year of uni as well. Makes me remember how much fun I had in my uni years… When I was accused of plagiarising my last book it really sent me wayward if not skyward at times with the drinking.
Still I guess it's good he's going and striving to achieve higher than the position than that of his father. He clearly inherits something from me that will hopefully land him a job above that of a ‘Floor Technician‘, his new title of ‘floor technician, his new title after being upgraded to the head cleaner.
Well I'm going to leave it a while before I mention these things to his father, the simpleton. I'm interested in what new entries and insights might come with the events of late and now that he‘s finishing uni. Besides, the husband, has his mind elsewhere. He can't stop talking about that new car he wants, which we can't afford but he's had to put up with a lot lately though with me and my issues, and him failing his college course….again, so I might allow it now I'm on the mend with a steady income.
After this, his sister seems to be the sane one and that's after considering what she gets up to! She called the other day to let me know she's coming home on her birthday. At least then I won't forget her card, like last year but I was otherwise compromised.
Thankfully, this work for the local tourist board has been very satisfying. I have to say I've met some interesting people and learnt some interesting facts about our nearby town. It certainly does not have the prestige or pay of the novel work I‘ve done, but it just feels good to be working again and now that we've settled out of court with my former publisher I hope to move upwards again.
I remember being a bit horrid to the son and husband the other night. It was a bad day for me so I'll make up for it and cook them both something special. I might test some new recipes I've found during some research as the tourist board liked the idea of including a local dish.
So now, I'm looking forward to the event at the town hall later this month when the work is printed! Hopefully when I write my next entry the launch will be done and I'll be much better and still heading up!
For today though, I've a few rudimentary tasks to perform and have to grab a few essential things from Aldi. Hopefully I won't have to shop there much longer as I loathe the other people who shop there. They're really rude and I think they're ruffians but thank the lord I am off their cheap cider!
Alternative Styles |
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